I'm sorry to you guys who don't like long posts but I would really appreciate it if you could read this one.
None of you guys know this but lately, I have been feeling painfully lonely, bored and guilty.
Just to give a jist, since leaving university and going back home for Christmas, my life has felt like it's just stuck on rewind and playback.
I wake up, I do the same thing everyday.
I'm so frustrated.
Lonely? Seriously?
I'm constantly being bothered by my hilarious flatmates, I'm always getting phonecalls from my coursemates, mum and dad ring me all the time, I talk to the most amazing guy God could ever give me around 10 hours a day - no joke.
But I was freakin' lonely everytime I hit that red hang up Skype button, everytime I closed my door, everytime I locked the flat front door to go out ...
Lonely? Yes. Because I have totally been avoiding fellowship since the Christmas holidays. Because I was lazy. Making up excuses like overexaggerating how ill I was, telling people I had plans when really the times wouldn't have clashed at all. And of course, because I was avoiding God himself.
I have still been making those excuses since coming back to Sheffield.
Why am I avoiding God?
Because I have things to feel guilty about.
And I just can't face God right now.
Bored? Of course! The non-Christian life has NO excitement at all.
The Christian life is NOT dull. The Christian life is like a war and we're the soldiers.
The way I've been living during the past 2 months, I might aswell be dead because there was no real life in it.
Okay - so Christian songs themselves have NO spiritual blessings at all but they are JUST a means of grace from God.
I randomly decided to listen to my Christian CDs today and oh my gosh ... this song, the lyrics absolutely just hit the spot and brought me to tears.
By Hayden Jenkins, just a bloke from my church back in Swansea who sings and plays the piano like Elton John and he released a CD for us - not for profit or anything.
Please PLEASE read the lyrics.
"And he said your every hair is numbered,
Your every tear's been weighed,
But your sins are not before me,
For the price it has been paid,
I've shut your ears, I've closed your eyes that you might feel the pain,
But I've never left you darling,
Won't you turn to me again?
And it's been a long, long time,
Since I've seen your smile,
The life that you've been leading,
It only pleased you for a while,
And I never want to see you so alone,
Every precious hair is numbered - come on home."
My every hair is numbered and he's weighed my tears?
Someone who knows me so well and is so close to me .. I have no reason to ever feel lonely.
And he doesn't want me to.
My sins are no longer before him.
I have nothing to feel guilty about or feel like I can't face him.
He's asking me to come back to him!
That life with all the temporary pleasures.
There's something eternal with my Saviour.
I never have to be bored.
Somebody is going to wake up excited and with a WHOLE NEW ATTITUDE Sunday morning tomorrow ^_~
No more excuses!
5 comments:
awesome post Garbo
I've been/still am in the same situation as you. Ever since coming to college/university has changed my relationship to Him. The whole atmosphere in college is different, not everyone is the same and goes to church. It's been hard for me to find the motivation to go to church and be in his presence. But that is a lame excuses. The king of kings, lord of lords paid his price so I can live... and yet I'm living the life as if I've never heard of the word of God before. Actually the other day I searched up youtube videos of Hillsong's worship and while singing along to it, I couldn't help but cry. I missed the feeling while worshiping, I missed talking to Him, I missed being spirituality engulfed by his presense. I guess what makes it harder to go back to Him so the guilt that I have, the things I've done and the things I've tried to hide from Him. But I have to realize that Love keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5 and that He IS love.
Sorry for such a long comment. <3
wah. thanks for the lyrics Garbo. i needed that. having said that though, i still don't know if i will start going to church anytime soon.. coz well.. you know why. =\ but thanks for writin this =] take care~~ <3 i'm jealous of you and your snow! xD
It's stuff like this that make me feel inadequate... sort of a wakeup call because if any two people have been feeling guilty, lonely, and bored lately, it's us. Thanks for sharing.
and it was all good until i saw the "^_~"....... wooow..
i know how you feel Garbo! Which is why i love weekends because its not the same routine as for the rest of the week and I can actually see all my friends ^_^
:D even when we feel we cannot face God, it is times like this that he is even closer and behind you every step of the way :D
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